If you are listening to this, you are listening to / Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits / Saturday morning radio show / This week, I'm in Newcastle with Clint Edwards.

I'm in a studio in ... in ... Newcastle ... uh ... this week. I'm joined by Mr. Clint Edwards, ... / Hello. / ... uh ... a partner in a ... a very long ... a very long journey from ... uh ... from ... / __ __ / ... from southeast Wales, uh, Cardiff, to, uh ... to Newcastle ... beyond Newcastle ... that's the ... how long was it, Clint? Nine and a half ... / ... to ten hours / ... to ten hours ... uh ... I drove to get you yesterday. ... Still, we're here now. I'm looking forward to the show, are we not, Clint? / Zzzz ... what?

Uh, Barry said that he used to peel fishfingers. ... He used to peel ... he used to eat __ breadcrumbs off first / you know / some people / chocolate bars and things / we've had a lot of correspondence. It all started that becaue, uh, last week there was a thing in a paper about ... um ... somebody who had a Kitkat ... huh, ... had a Kitkat, right? ... a four-fingered Kitkat, and ... uh ... you know, eat, ... and, no wafer in it. / What? / No wafer. Right? Go into a second Kitkat, no wafer. ... I stop saying the brand name now. Others are available. ... Go into a third one. No wafer in there. / fourth one / Eight ... / __ __ / ... eight in a row. / __ __ __ __ fourth one / and there was four wafers in there / be weird / that's where they were hiding / that would have been weirder __ __ __ / they were just "having a break". / Yeah ... very nice. Uh ... so, none of them. Eight in a row. / Wow. / And then ... and I was like ... I was like, "Wow! Wow! / three, ... not four, not five, not six ... Eh! / and Barry went, "Yeah, __ __ __ same batch / looked / quickly read the paper and went, / ... Yeah. / there's nothing in there / standard, normal __. Normal __. / totally deflated / __ __ / __ __ __ __ myself __ __ did. ... Anyway, uh, she says, / ... secondly / all / peel __ fishfinger and eat__ the breadcrumbs / separately / says A__ / We've all done that / Well, I haven't. Have you done that? / You have? / As kid, yeah. / ... Really? / __ __ one of ... __ __ __ one of those things in life you just take off, Rhod. / Huh, I haven't done it, mate. It's not on my bucket list. __ __ __ / thirdly, / it says, ... Oh, this ... Oh, OK. __ __ __ __ before. She says / the c__ ... c__ /high-vis vest man. ... Some ... her, presumably __ __ __ somebody ... presumably her. ... She / saying / saw a bloke in the street with c__ / high-vis jacket / __ prince Harry has been spotted doing that / Huh, really? / Yeah. / sort of confusing message__ that sends out __ conflicting ... / Yeah, / ... intentions ... of ... uh ... of somebody trying to hide or to be seen __ __ / yeah. ... Um ... __ says, / was s__ in the middle of town in broad daylight, so, neither the ... the c__ nor the high-vis w__ applicable to the situation. / says, uh, says __ / Well, there you go, just to ... uh ... if anybody was wondering, __ __ exact circumstances of where she saw that. ... Um ... what else have we got here? ... We've got a lot of ... uh ... text ... uh ... / Dear Rhod and guest, it struck me that an apt response upon discovering the absence of wafer in ... uh ... you know, Kitkat ... um ... / ... would have been, "Give me a break !" / __ __ in Nice in France / Uh ... well, ... It __ be very nice to be__ in Nice in France / it's nice, innit? / France / which is also a snack. / I mean / don't get me wrong / nice / Newcastle people, but Nice in France is, uh, as the name implies, very Nice.

__ __ __ __ twitter / say / anybody __ told a massive lie to impress someone / and this / we've got two in at the moment / right? Here. / uh ... one of them __ not impressive, one of them quite impressive / __ is from D__ J__ / Hi, Rhod, off to my mate's house somewhere in England with my wife, J__. / Right? ... Uh, / My biggest lie is __ I told her I liked her brand-new car but I'm not really __ on it. / That's it? That's it? That's the biggest lie you've ever told in your life? ... You liked your wife's brand-new car wh__ you __ __ be really not that bothered / He might learn to like it. / Don't tell her 'cause she's currently driving me in it. / __ __ __ __ all right. You know. ... All right, you know / __ __ __ nice __ __ the end / text / because now we ... now we know you are sitting in a car / she doesn't like ... you don't like her new car. ... What is it, anyway? / つーか、車種は何だよ？ / ... Um ... This is ... this one is ... uh ... fits the bill a bit better. ... James in Ch__. ... Are you ready for this, Clint? / I'm strapping in. / It's quite a good one. ... Uh ... / I went to L__. ... You know L__, __, __, ... / __ __ __ __? / No. / Oh. / No, ... the ... uh ... L__ is the ... uh ... the pilgrimage destination, uh, for people with ailments who ... who are ... are ... predisposed to believe that going to L__ and, uh, taking the holy water and ... um ... just, um, being in __ environment will cure__ __ __ their a__ments / in a ... in a ... sort of, spiritual ... you know. ... ___ __ __ ... you know / L__. / What is it? A pub? / __ ... Do you not know L__? / No. / Honestly? / Yeah. / Oh, god. This is gnu gate all over again. ... This is the whole gnu thing. When I said to Barry, "Uh, / picture of a gnu / like, / what's a gnu? / know what a gnu is / heard of a hospital / 病院のこと？ それなら知ってる / You haven't heard of L__? / L O U R D E L / no, __ __ in France / Huh. __ sounds like it. / People go there, people with ailments __ __ __ people in wheelchair ... people / there / the blind, the sick / you know __ __ __ __ almost all kinds of / biblical kind of things / ライ病 / suddenly __ __ __ people __ walking ... people going, "Oh, it's a miracle !" / all that stuff / no / not like b__. ... B__ are just ... b__ are just ... you know, __ lovely old Roman towns __ gift shop__ __ __ have a ... massage / Yeah. __ __ __ __ the same / in / dirt / not like / __ sitting around ... __ sitting around / look / holy water __ __ __ __ __ __ right? You come out shouting, "It's a miracle !" ... __ __ __ __ again ... huh, the blind can see, the deaf can hear, the ... you know, ... physic ... physical ail__ ... whatever it is ... emotional ... people ... you know, people with emotional difficulties come __, all happy / twisted ankle / twisted ankle, it'd be sorted out in seconds. You could probably do that over the phone. ... __ __ __ just phone somebody / Direct / exactly. L__ Direct. ... __ __ encouraging you to do that, actually, trying to keep ... uh ... keep the volume of people down __ __ / if / go __ Direct__ / twisted ankle / Twisted ankle? Go L__ Directs ! ... any ... anyway, James in Ch__ says ... um ... __ biggest lie __ __ / I went to L__ / so, we know what it is / you're happy, yeah? / I didn't think I'd have to explain it / I'm glad ... um ... I'm glad I did now 'cause if you didn't know a lot of other people __ __ / I went to L__ / incidentally I've never known anybody who went to L__ in the past. Uh ... / I went to L__ __, when I was about 15, with my sister. We picked up some holy water from there in a Mother Mary bottle for my nana. / Uh. / I was so thirsty on the coach home we drank it ... / 帰りのバスで喉が渇いたので飲んじゃいました / ... we drank it and then filled it up with tap water when we got home, and gave it to her. It was __ __ place __ her mantelpiece __ all her life she never knew. ... God bless her. / All her life ! ... / (what a lie) / ... That's a w__.

My dog stole another sandwich / week /__, by the way / family __ __ __ after the horrendous scenes in Cardiff ... uh ... Cardiff station the other week. ... I can't ... you're looking at me quiz__ically ... I can't say it again. It was a big PR event / hearing dogs ... you know, dogs that help disabled people / seeing dogs, you know, sort of guide ... guide dogs / sitting there, good as gold, lined up in their high-vis jackets, ... these dogs, having a PR opportunity at Cardiff station, and my dog was on an elasticated ... uh ... lead, and I walked __ __ the station. Somebody distracted me / autograph or photograph or something / tapped me on the shoulder / talking to me / while my dog took full advantage of the fact that she was on an elasticated lead, ran over to a woman in her wheelchair and stole all her food out of her bag. / Oh. / sandwich and things from her / __ __ __ __ only dog that should have been in high-vis for ... for eveyone else's safety. / お前のロージーは、そのジャケットを着るべき唯一の犬だったな / All the other dogs were just ... just stood there ... stood there in their high vis jackets, raising __ eyebrow__, looking at my dog just y__ping down / somebody's / anyway, she did it again when I was in a meeting this, uh, weekend. Somebody put down a plate of sandwiches and she ... Woffff ! / did it again. They put ... Don' put ... don't put things down near my dog, please, any more, uh, right? Uh, put it at head height.

Biggest lies you've ever told to impress someone. Um ... This isn't really to impress someone. It's more one of those / one of those pranks to play on, uh, somebody new in the office" kind of, uh, thing, you know. ... uh ... This is ... it says ... uh ... / I work in a very famous building in the center of Cardiff, / __ __ I wouldn't just name it. / Uh ... what's so ... uh ... / __ __ / What's so secretive about it? ... / I work in a very famous building in the centre of Cardiff / which ha__ a 200-foot high clock tower / Probably __ __ / Huh? __ street? / Yeah. / Uh ... uh ... anyway, so, it's a very famous building that we can't think of off the top of our heads. ... / One day the clock stopped working. / Right? / But ... due to ... / __ __ like a nursery rhyme / it says here, "due to mechanical problem", __ __ ... / but being a convincing liar, I told a new admin assistant that the reason that it stopped was because the batteries have gone flat and we needed someone to replace them. I gave her two triple-A batteries. Off she went, __ __ the colleague up the tower to change the batteries. She came down ten minutes later, a bit miffed, as, even though they have changed the batteries, the clock still wasn't working. / As you know, the time is a liar / she no longer works with me. / Uh, quite. / convinced my nieces and nephews / that I played Darth Vader in Star Wars. / __ ... confusing as well, you know, __ I'm your father / I'm actually your uncle / Uh yeah, very confusing.

says here, Clint, / don't sleep with your mouth open / you can rot your teeth / that / your mouth open isn't just unsightly / 口を開けっ放しで寝るのは、見た目に良くないだけではありません / says the Daily Mail / __ __ normally __ __ __ in the ... in the dark / 「見た目」ったって、おれは普通は部屋を暗くして寝るんだが / yeah / not just unsightly ?... / ... It can also cause tooth decay, the study has found. Breathing through your mouth instead of your nose / sleep / as bad as / nose / in fizzy drinks / before / surely / surely not / Scientists ... scientists say / Oh / scientists say / This is because acid levels in the mouth rise as saliva dries out, leading to ... / what ... what ... what __ you do about it? ... Uh, don't try this at home / what / you / do / staple your mouth shut? And don't try that home, kids. / Don't. Put it down. Put it down. / Back away from the stationary cupboard. / Back away from the stationary cupboard. ... / Elastic band __ __ __ / how would you avoid __ __ __ through your mouth / nothing / do about it / can do something about, papers.

I remember, when we were ... when I was a kid / we used to / when you weren't peeling your fishfingers / when I wasn't peeling my fishfingers / What a childhood you had __ ! / Uh ... what a ... what a celebration of normality I was, unfetted by ... uh ... by ... / Hapiness? / ... by things like, uh, little ... weird little habits and idiosyncrasies like that. ... Uh ... so, uh ... We had a little ... there was a little tin, like a sardine tin, in our house, and it said, "Paris Air" on it, right? It said "Paris Air" on it / was / a little gimmick ... a little gimmick / Paris air in it / "Paris Air" on the tin __ inside, presumably __ __ some air from Paris, right? You know. And ... uh ... I remember, as a child, as a young child, ... let's ... let's say I was six ... I remember thinking, "That's the most pointless waste of money I've ever seen. I ... uh ... maybe I was five, six years old, but I was certainly on to the fact that this absurd gimmick ... / Yeah, / right? ... was a pointless waste of money / __ __ / __ somebody was going ... anyway, ... / You were so cynical even __ __ six years old / even then, yeah. ... Uh ... apparently, it says, uh, / __ British family is selling fresh air to China for a gasp-inducing 80 quid a pot. / And there they are. They got jam-jars out__ and fishing nets / ... __ __ __ fishing nets, I suppose __ wouldn't get much air __ that / 網だとあまり空気は集まらないんじゃないか / but / fishing nets / field__ / catching bags of air, and then put __ / jam jars and __ __ __ / Hang on a minute. ... They __ around the field with ... / ... with __ fishing net / the air / then put it in __ jar / jar / field? / 瓶に移し替える？　最初から瓶に集めりゃいいじゃないか / that's not the same / trap / you don't / I don't know / __ __ __ __ jar out / wiggle the jar ... maybe run with the jar / run with the jar / basically / just a hard ... a hard bag. Let's face it. / そうそう。瓶だって袋みたいなもんだ。ちょっと硬いが / just wind down the window / or / don't even bother doing that. Just seal the jar and f__ / why bother going through the pretence of that this is anything. ... It says here, uh, / つーか、わざわざ集めんな / I mean, other __s are available / of course. I don't ... I don't wanna be ... uh ... accused of ... uh ... / it says here / other gas__ are available / uh ... / smog-choked Beijing and Shanghai are snapping up jars with nothing inside but 580 millilitres of country air from Dorset, Somerset, Wales, W__ or Yorkshire. The price is 400 times the cost of bottled water in China. ... Hong Kong-based ... blah blah blah blah ... sends friends __ families __ far from sources of pol__tion / possible / leave jars open for up to ten minutes to ... / Oh, I see. So, this picture of them __ __ ... the ... uh ... net-bag thing __ just for __ PR / just for __ photo / for ten minutes to capture the area's aroma. ... __ __ make sure / no __ or bugs contaminate __ organic product. ... Just a few weeks since launching the venture ... uh ... it sold 180 pots / air / inhaled / just seconds __ well-healed __ __ __ __ __ __ novelty gift which will never be opened. Each area has a unique aroma. / __ __ this is just fasc ... fascinating, innit? ... / Once someone bottled ... once upon a time someone thought bottled water ... uh ... was crazy / かつては水をボトルに入れて売るなんて馬鹿げていると誰もが言ったものだ。今、空気を瓶詰めにして売るのがアホらしいと、誰が言えるだろうか　/ Now you have, uh, all these different things / 今や、売られている水の種類も豊富になり / paraphrasing / bottled water was crazy idea four years ago. Now look at us. ... Now look at us. / I'll get that / I did it yesterday. / Yeah. But if they were selling jars of ... as people do __ __ jars of oxygen / somewhere heavily polluted / having a bottle of oxygen and inhaling from that ... not just a jar from Cornwall __ __ __ __ __ going, __ __ __ / I mean __ __ it's entertaining, you know ... / it's a little entertaining ... __ little thing / it's hilarious / Oh, how you've changed from your six-year-old's ! / Eh ... well, you know, I mean ... / just a bit of fun, innit? / It is just a bit of fun, innit? But I mean ... / 40 years later / what a great, uh, business idea, though, innit? Just open __ ... / __ __ / __ __ jar, stick it there / air __ __ __ Chinese / is that __ new __ __ __ / What is it? 80 quid a pot of it. / 80 quid a jar. / ... pot of it, yeah. ... Brilliant, innit? ... Anyway ... um ... uh, __ __ __ __ things like that may be __ / come on, __ must be / come up with an idea / come up with __ idea / __ __ __ elements, innit? So, they've had air, __ __ we've done water / 水も空気もビジネスになっちまった。あとは火だな。 / Yeah, / Fire? / sock-full of fire ... Nuh, __ __ __ / __ __ / fire socks ... __ ... Yeah, I like the title. ... It's not there yet. ... Give me a chance. / これはまだ誰もやってない。やらせてくれよ。 / where __ the socks __? / I don't know / なぜソックス？/ 知らん。何となく。 / just / novelty / fire socks / Earth. ... Socks filled with earth / ソックスに土を詰めて売ろう / Here we are. 80 quid. Who's interested ? / We could send them ... send them to ... / 8 10 12 / ... uh ... snow-covered places. / ずっと雪に覆われている土地にだったら、土は売れるんじゃないか / あるいはアスファルトに覆われているところ / Absolutely. ... Yeah. Or ... or just / t__ places / very little green spaces / __ __ __ like, a little sod of earth ... __ __ __ like ... uh ... / already / earth-socks / place / very little green space / you can take / out / office floor, stand on it / bare feet, __ __ __ __ __ / I bet __ __ __ already exists. / どうせ誰かがやっちゃってるよ

Uh, now then, emails're coming in ... uh ... / another email from Jonathan G__ here. ... He's ... he's coming on / the Biggest Lies feature / or / he says / told lies / I don't know / somebody Jonathan G__ knows. ... / ... told lies when she was a kid. / ... This is one of the most ... / __ __ __ / ... This is one of the most pointless likes I've ever ... I mean, talk about, sort of, a self ... just ... telling a lie that doesn't serve you __ any purpose whatsoever, right? ... In fact, / does you harm / when she was a kid getting her hearing tested / You know __ __ hearing test / you get __ beeps in the earphones __ __ supposed to, kinda, go, "Yeah, I hear that / press / or whatever / uh ... / when she was a kid, the test involved taking beans out of a bowl, so, when you hear the beep / bean out of __ bowl / put it in another bowl when you hear a beep. ... Take / put it in another bowl. Got it? ... Says, / She fooled them by just randomly taking beans out when there were beeps or no beeps, ... leading to inconclusive readings about whether she could hear or not. / ... So ... so she went to __ hearing thing / know / I'll mess it up / up so nobody actually knows / can hear or not. ... Yeah. ... What's the point of that? / It's a lot of pressure. ... It's a lot of pressure on the kids. / けっこう緊張するんだよ。特に子共には。 / it's ... / __ __ / ... it's like going for ... um ... it's like booking yourself in for an optician's ... uh ... optical test and refusing to look at the charts / メガネを作りに行って視力検査表を見るのを拒むようなものだ / I'm not saying / Can you ... can you read the top line? / probably / I'm not telling you / maybe I could / maybe I can't / maybe you need to ... Your eyes __ check __ / 'cause she's listening now / この番組のリスナーだってことは、耳は聴こえるようだな。 / __ __, how do we know? / Yeah, how do we know? / __ __ __ / let us know, L__ __ ... why did you do that?

Text from Eddie / All right, / celebrity big brother / uh ... uh ... I don't ... I'm not sure. My agent wouldn't even p__ / if I'm honest / love to see / fight / one on one / with an unknown f__ E__s / pathetic t__ ... / I don't even know what this is about. ... / The prize would be a kettle so you could make yourself a warming v__. / What are you talking about? ... Eddie, / If __ __ __ __ back to your standup / I haven't done standup for three years, really, and, um ... uh ... I've got no immediate plan__ __ __ __ probably go back one day / be great / first __ / just watching __ __ tending a chicken or something __ __ __ __ / They've got chickens, do they? / Yeah. / OK. Uh, now then, earlier on, we were talking about / wonderful idea / be / to ... uh ... / we / up / idea, Clint, / which was, little ... a little square foot of grass of turf ... / Huh huh. / ... that people in the __ who spend too much time at work in their offices / people who / very concreted sort of areas / w__s / w__s / urban centers ... or in / d__ areas / that kind of ... people / people who __ __ __ grass or turf could have a little bit of turf under their desks / just put their feet / just rest their feet __ a little square foot of grass __ turf / I came up with a quick title / Green Green Grass __ Home / idea / Wales / Welsh grass / Welsh grass / says ... uh ... / you know / everyone knows / quality / what __ sheep eat? Grass. ... I think. Uh ... __ very confident ... Do they? I don't know. Um ... anyway / ウェールズといえば羊。羊は何を食べる？　草だ。ウェールズといえば草。草といえばウェールズ。 / __ __ hundred quid, we thought, hundred quid / square foot / lux__y ones / 最高級のは虫入りだ / __ __ idea __ __ __ ... What we could do is, we could upsell maintenance contracts ... 60 quid a year, and we will maintain it / Oh, that's brilliant / you go round / green boiler suit / Green Green Grass / see it ... on the back, yeah? / Yeah. / in a ... on / Green Green Grass / you go round, and ... uh ... / with a tank on my back __ __ __ / You go round and service their little foot of turf and / quid / and, after that, we __ branch__ __ out __ __ __ __ __ is an obvious step. ... It's the obvious next step in the chain ... isn't it? ... "Coming up ... uh ... coming up __ ... / What's that? Your lawn needs servicing. ... / __ing-__ong / Hello. I / from / Green Green Grass

Clint? / Uh? / What is your name? / Clint. / No. / __ __ / __'s got to be more to it / I / Rhodon / Is "Rhodon" your name? / a well-known abbreviation of Clinton. Nobody ever says, "Rhod, I assume you are Rhodon / have you ever / I haven't said ... I haven't said C__ E__ / but that is his name / Clint / his name / look at my __ __ / look at your __ __ / put C__ away." ... Uh ... It's his name / Clint E__ / now, mate / Yeah / Clint E__. It's a perfectly reasonable assumption that / nobody / nobody is Rhodon / R__ Stewart / Rodon Steiger over there.

We've had an email / right / we were talking about ... um ... / our ... our "Green Green Grass of Home" idea / one / foot / Welsh turf / you / sell __ for 30 quid / travel version ... cheaper version for people / hundred quid / Why not? Why not? / branch / already. ... __ ... uh ... / Walking barefoot / it says here / __ Walking barefoot ... on freshly m__ grass is / rare lux__y / during our down time / Blimey, who's this from? ... What ... they ... / __ __ ... marketing / what kind of miserable life is this? ... / One ... one US company believes that it's ... / Huh, OK, OK. / we've missed the boat, mate / already / done / not literally / metaphorically / we__ missed the boat / 乗り遅れた / somebody's already done it, the old ... uh ... old "selling a bit of turf" / people who can't get any grass / who? / uh ... a US company / product that is / great picture online / computer / bothered / and if it's safe and legal to do so / have a look / a great picture of a pair of ... uh ... / somebody / like flip-flops ... __ astro-turf / flip-flop / flip-flop / grass / everything's been done. Nothing's new. ... There's nothing new in the world. We __ __ 100 quid a p__ __ how much of those / 32 dollars __ __ as well / beaten us __ __ / it's not Welsh grass / __ __ turf wall / Uh ... Wow. Very nice. That should be the end point of that discussion / I'll put a little pause in there. ... There we are. __ __ __ __ ... That's an edit point for the podcast. That's sorted.

If you enjoyed that, why don't you listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert live on Saturday mornings, BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

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